The Play Act II
by Tobin
Summary: Sorry this is on a different name, we screwed our account up. Anyway, more screwy stuff happens in The Fellowship of the Mints! Really...it's scary...


The Play  
  
Act II  
  
HAHHHHAAAA!!! We took forever, but finally it is done! (Maybe). IT MIGHT GO ON FOREVEEEER!!! We were watching Pete's dragon! Every dragon should have a home!  
  
THE BEGINNING  
  
Jarlaxle is sexxaaay….  
  
THE REAL BEGINNING  
  
(The four are seated at a nondescript table (can't you tell this is English homework?)Rai and Kimm are playing with some weird looking devices)  
  
Jarlaxle: (Yawns, hits Arty who has fallen asleep face down in his bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats, a great nutritional breakfast for our sexay assassin)  
  
Arty: (Whines) Oooooff! I was sleeping!  
  
Jarlaxle: I noticed.  
  
Rai-Guy: (Giggles, wrapping himself around the occupied Kimm) I love these things! They move so nicely in my hands and do all the tricks I want them to!  
  
Kimm: I know something else that can do that for you.  
  
Rai-guy: Well, yes, but can I play with that in the middle of the tavern?  
  
Kimm: (Grins) I don't mind…  
  
Artemis: Noooo! You kept me up all night. I'm eating my breakfast in peace!  
  
Jarlaxle: (looks pompously about) We must continue our Quest, the Mint speaks to me now, put your strange devices away and listen!  
  
VOMM: I am the magical mint, and you four must travel to Icewind Dale, the secret base of my ev-  
  
KIMM: But Drizzt lives there! (covers his mouth and gasps) Did I say that?  
  
ARTY: (raises a brow) You were saying…  
  
JARL: (grins sheepishly, then stands) The little drow's room is calling to me…  
  
ARTY: Don't even think about it.  
  
VOMM: Right. Anyway, the two bit- (notices the tavern becoming dark) beauteous priestesses will be in an ice cave near Bryn Shander. Got it?  
  
ARTY: Down to last grammatical error.  
  
(turns to Jarlaxle) Dear Jarlaxle, you know I care nothing of my ex nemesis…  
  
RAIGUY: (snickers) ex-boyfriend…  
  
KIMM: (snuggles closer to RAIGUY, his fingers seductively tracing the contours of his body) Now, back to those other strange devices.  
  
JARLAXLE(stands atop the nondescript table) NO ONE expects the Spanish Inquisition!  
  
ARTY: Riiight.  
  
KIMM: (now whispering into Raiguy's ear murmuring in drow)  
  
(A thug suddenly appears at the table)  
  
THUG 1: I don't want no gay drow elves hangin' around this place.  
  
KIMM an RAIGUY: (suddenly look up and glare at THUG 1, whipping out their strange devices and swinging them menacingly around) You were saying?  
  
THUG 2: (cums up) What in the Nine Hells are them things?  
  
KIMM: Yo-yos.  
  
RAIGUY: Supposedly a devastating weapon on the planet Earth.  
  
Jarlaxle: (Furrows his sexay brow) ((….)) I believe that would be Yoga.  
  
Arty: Toga?  
  
Jarlaxle: No, Yoga, a very violent form of martial art involving many pointy weapons called sporks.  
  
ARTY: Oh.  
  
Thug 1: Anyways, as we was sayin', we don't want no gay drow elfsies running around and tying each other up in our tavern.  
  
Raiguy: (Continues to wave the yo-yo threateningly, sliding himself comfortably into Kimm's lap) Oh really?  
  
Thug 2: Really really.  
  
Thug 3: (Runs over, looks once at the entangled drow) Um…Can we fight now? Pleeeeease?  
  
Thug 1: All right. Let's kick their elfsy asses!!!  
  
Jarlaxle: (Grins, taking interest in the conversation) You might not want to do that, it could be fatal.  
  
Thug 2: What? All they've got are pansy dildos from some place called Earth.  
  
Kimm: Leaps to his feet, dumping Raiguy to the ground) DILDOS?!? I think not! These are formidable weapons!  
  
Raiguy: (Gets to his feet) ! What he said!  
  
Thug 3: Let's fiiiiight!  
  
(Thugs draw swords, Raiguy and Kimm execute a series of tricks with their yo-yos)  
  
Kimm: You're going down! Way looow down!  
  
Raiguy: (Wails) We can't do that now Kimm! We're gonna fight! (Walks the dog around Thug 1, incapacitating him)  
  
Thug 2: (Screams girlishly) Aaaaaaaaaah! (Trips over Kimm's around the world trick and falls into Thug 3 and they both fall to ground)  
  
Thug 2: We're losing!  
  
Raiguy: (Kicks him in gonads) And don't insult my hot, sexy, hard, kinky, Kimmy! (The two procede to make out)  
  
Jarlaxle: (sighs) Artemis, we must get out of here, Kimmy is getting out the silk again.  
  
ARTY: Kimmy?  
  
JARLAXLE: (shifts nervously) It was a while ago! I was young!  
  
ARTY: (raises a brow) Oh really?  
  
(Meanwhile, Rai-guy and Kimm have tied up all three thugs with yoyo string, and have proceeded to do this to themselves)  
  
ARTY: (rolls his eyes) If anyone is listening up there… HELP ME! (drags the pair, which are in a difficult position to drag, away from the tavern, Jarlaxle alongside him singing "It's a Wonderful Life")  
  
FOUR DAYS LATER  
  
(Rai-guy and Kimmuriel are allowed to walk, but have devised interesting ways to have "fun" with the yoyos, string and all. You don't want to know the story of how they acquired the yoyos. Okay, okay…well it all started with a prostitute in Oklahoma-)  
  
VOMM: Will you shut up! The readers are disturbed enough!  
  
(FINE! Be that way! Just keep thinking pink bunny suit…)  
  
VOMM: (grumbles)  
  
Jarlaxle: (proceeds to go over to Rai-guy and Kimm, which are whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears) Question. When I put that scrying stone in Kimmuriel's chamber…how did you two get into that position?  
  
Rai-guy: Weell…  
  
Artemis: No. No kinky sex stories.  
  
Rai-guy: I'm sure dear Arty has some to tell…  
  
Artemis: What?! NO! None whatsoever! (blushes fiercely)  
  
Kimm: Suuure….(suddenly slams into a post) OW!  
  
POST: 2 MILES TO ICEWIND DALE  
  
Jarlaxle: We just left Calimport four days ago. How in the Nine Hells did we travel thousands of miles in a few mere days?  
  
POST: DO NOT QUESTION MY WISDOM!!!  
  
Jarlaxle: Okay! (begins trotting merrily down the snow covered path, arms linked with Rai and Kimuriel)  
  
ALL: We're off to see the wizard! The wonderful Wizard of Oz!  
  
Artemis: NOOOOO!!!! (skips after them, hitting himself with a VERY LARGE rock all the while) No! I don't skip! This does nothing for my reputation!  
  
  
  
INTERMISSION  
  
DooodooododododododododDOOOOOOM! DododododododododododododododododododDOOOOOM! DododododododododododododododododoDOOOOOOOM!!! DODODOODODODODODODODOODOOOOOOOOM!!!!  
  
  
  
DOOM!  
  
  
  
(THE MIDDLE)  
  
Artemis: Of what?  
  
Jarlaxle: Of something...Maybe our Quest!  
  
Artemis: I couldn't be so lucky.  
  
Jarlaxle: Why? (looks at RAI and KIMM) They're only making out 38% of the time now and hardly ever tie each other to whatever is handy.  
  
Artemis: (Grimaces, remembering two days ago when he ended up being that handy thing) Yes, that's definitely improvement…(Breaks out into fit of skipping) But I'm stil sporadically skipping so the world is not all right!  
  
JARLAXLE: Oh, it's quite all right dear Artemis. (stops in midstride and looks to the glowing mint) Wait a minute. Aren't we supposed to be going to Waterdeep…?  
  
VOMM: …what? XLE: Them?  
  
(No. Us.)  
  
JARLAXLE: Who's Us?  
  
(We are.)  
  
JARLAXLE: Who is?  
  
(Wait! Stop! Bewilderment! Confusion!)  
  
JARLAXLE: Okaaay. (turns back to Artemis, who is still skipping and singing songs in elvish, a tribute to the stars and all things mystica-…wait. Never mind. Just the skipping.)  
  
JARLAXLE: Us changed their minds.  
  
ARTY: Us?  
  
JARLAXLE: Yes, Us. Well, not Us as in us, but Us and in Them.  
  
Artemis: Really.  
  
(Meanwhile, when all this shit is happening, the four have arrived outside the gates of Mirthril Hall. Don't ask.)  
  
Jarlaxle: I thought we were going to Bryn Shander.  
  
(Change of plans.)  
  
JARLAXLE: By whom?  
  
(US.)  
  
JARLAXLE: B-but…never mind.  
  
Raiguy: But Kimmy, I wanna have hot monkey sex!  
  
Kimm: No, we can't! The ground is (looks horrified at the ground) muddy!! I dislike mud, it makes my hair all dirty! You won't believe how easily white gets icky in stuff like that!  
  
Raiguy: Actually, I can. But that's beside the point. (Hopefully sidles closer to Kimm) I could wash it for you.  
  
Artemis: Enough of that! Stop! It's disturbing!  
  
Jarlaxle: (Knocks on door)  
  
Dwarf 1: Coming, coming, welcome to Mithril Hall, home of King Bruenor and a hot babe named Cattie-brie! Who goes there?  
  
Jarlaxle: (Doffs his feathered hat) I, my lovely Master Dwarf, am Drizzt Do'Urden, Drow Ranger, Paladin of goodness and light.  
  
Arty: (Snickers) Yeah, that'll work, Drizzt lived here, I think they'd notice the differences.  
  
Dwarf 1: Ooooh! Drizzt! It's been a while, hasn't it? I heard you fought a guy named Entrails and lost but got healed by a psychic Elfsy that was into kinky sex!  
  
Jarlaxle: (Laughs uneasily) Hahahahaaaaaaaa! That's a little bit true, Entreri and I did fight but now we've resolved our differences and are the best of friends, in and out of the bedroom.  
  
Dwarf 1: Oh, well, that's nice. Shall I tell King Bruenor of your arrival?  
  
Jarlaxle: No, that's alright, we'd like to surprise him.  
  
Dwarf 1: Ah, yes, I see. Your secret is safe with me.  
  
(Raiguy and Kimm are draped around each other, giggling)  
  
(Jarlaxle leads the way into Mithril Hall, followed closely by an astonished Artemis and the pair of giggling kinky elfsies)  
  
Artemis: How in the Nine Hells did you accomplish that?  
  
Jarlaxle: I have my resources. wink wink  
  
IN DRIZZT'S ROOM  
  
Jarlaxle: The pansy has two rooms! Great! One for the kinky two and one for us. I get the bed.  
  
Arty: You got the bed last time!  
  
Jarlaxle: (Grins) We could always share.  
  
Arty: You win.  
  
Jarlaxle: I always do.  
  
Arty: Don't.  
  
Jarlaxle: Dodododo!!  
  
Arty: Fine.  
  
Jarlaxle: Told you.  
  
(Drizzt wanders into the room, muttering about being good)  
  
Drizzt: Must be good and nice and caring and compassionate and the good of all goodly good folk, because I am Drizzt the goodly good of the goodly good and thus I must be very good and goodly to the good and goodly folk of this goodly town and- Holy Meiliki!  
  
Artemis: Holy Lloth!  
  
Jarlaxle: I think I need to use the little Drow's room again…  
  
Arty: I don't think so!  
  
Drizzt: What are you doing in my goodly room? How did you get here? Guenhwyvaaaaar!!!  
  
Jarlaxle: (tossing Guen in air) Looking for this?  
  
Drizzt: Guen!!!  
  
Artemis: Wait! I'm sooo confused!  
  
Jarlaxle: You, the goodly good of all folk, haven't noticed the absence of your best friend for, hmmm, days?  
  
Drizzt: (Wails) Give her baaaaack!  
  
Artemis: You're supposed to be dead!  
  
Drizzt: (looks blankly at Artemis) Nooo…GIVE ME BACK GUEEEN!!!! (wails)  
  
Artemis: But…but…dead…nemesis…dead…(Hits head on wall) No! Still there!  
  
Drizzt: (Begins to cry) Give her baaaaack! I want my Guen!!!  
  
(Running water can be heard in the background, Rai-guy and Kimm can be heard giggling)  
  
Drizzt: And that's my jacuzzi!  
  
Artemis: You won't want it when they're done.  
  
Jarlaxle: (as he's slinking out of the room) Trust me. You won't (Poof)  
  
(We could put a very detailed description of our dear Drow being engulfed in smoke and there being fireworks and spheres of darkness and then the purple smoke clearing and him just being gone! But we won't.)  
  
Artemis: …ex-boy-nemesis-still alive…ex-boy-nemesis-still alive!….ex-boy- nemesis!-sti-  
  
(We get the point.)  
  
Artemis: Oh. It's just a conpulsive disorder! Mommy! Wait! NO! JARLAXLE!!  
  
(He left.)  
  
Artemis: When?!  
  
(A while ago…remember the poof?)  
  
Meanwhile…  
  
Bruenor: So, Drizzt, I hear you and that Entrails guy have resolved your differences and aree now the best of friends.  
  
Jarlaxle: Oh, yes, (winks) very good friends.  
  
Bruenor: (Gulps, blushes) Oh…Well…That's nice, I suppose. What about me girl?  
  
Jarlaxle: Oh…Well, I think she's becoming accustomed to kinky elfsy sex with a Drow and an assasin.  
  
Bruenor: (Nods, gulps more ale) Oh dear…  
  
Meanwhile…  
  
(Rai-guy and Kimmuriel are taking a bubble bath! Yay! I like bubbles….)  
  
Rai-guy: (massaging Kimm's shoulders, then starts to bite down on the nape of Kimm's neck, eliciting giggles and…other noises)  
  
Kimm: No tying up this time, we can be kinky without it, you know.  
  
Rai-guy: (Pauses in his quest down Kimm's chest with his tongue) Well, yes, actually, I suppose we could…(Bites down again before moving lower….)  
  
Meanwhile…  
  
(Entreri and Drizzt are seated in those fruffy arm chairs we know Drizzt would have in his room with some cups of tea, Entreri is nearly hyperventilating and not wearing his shirt, according to him, the heat of the forges got to him, Drizzt is beginning to drool)  
  
Entreri: You. Are. SupposedtobeDEAD!  
  
Drizzt: (Blushes) You missed me that much?  
  
Entreri: (Sarcastically) Yeah, Drizzt, I missed you and your hot mouth sooo much. Jarlaxle and those two kinky guys are just no substitute!  
  
Drizzt: (Squeals in delight) Oh! My Arch-nemesis wants me! (Leaps into Entreri's lap) You know you want me! Have sex with me! Hard and fast or slow and soft, however you want it!  
  
Artemis: (Grins before running his fingers through Drizzt's hair, pulling at his lip with his teeth) Yeah, maybe I do want it…  
  
Drizzt: I knew you did! (Using his tongue for other engagements, Entreri leans back in pleasure)  
  
Artemis: Jarlaxle…(Smiles)  
  
Drizzt: (Stops for a second) Huh?  
  
Artemis: (Smiles lazily) Yeah, pretty hot, huh? Wait! Woah! What am I doing? This is my dead arch-nemesis! JARLAXLE!!!! (Leaps up and runs out of the room and down the hall, leaving a forlorn looking Drizzt behind; Rai- guy and Kimm are still in the jacuzzi)  
  
Back in the Hall with Bruenor…  
  
Artemis: (runs in, Drizzt in pursuit) HELP ME!!!  
  
Jarlaxle: (turns around, that cocky mercenary grin on his hott and sexay features) What do I get?  
  
Artemis: TONIGHT! That's what you get!!!  
  
Drizzt: (runs in, clings to Artemis's arm) Wield me!  
  
Artemis: (echoes) Wield me?  
  
Jarlaxle: (intervenes) This is an intruder! Jarlaxle, the mercenary that got away in the end of The Legacy!  
  
Bruenor: (looks from Drizzt to Jarlaxle) Drizzt is right! That elf with the scimitars is Jarlaxle! Get'em boys!  
  
Drizzt: But…look at him! He's so….flaming! Look at that cloak!  
  
Bruenor: Well, that's how we know it's him!  
  
Jarlaxle: (sighs) Artemis, am I flaming?  
  
Artemis: (snickers) ….  
  
(As the dwarves carry Drizzt off, the curtain closes, and it is mercifully the END of ACT II)  
  
  
  
ACT III is yet to come! We will get around to the plot sometime! 


End file.
